the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My liver is preforming stress tests.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
