We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize