he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
