i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
