last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
