Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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