One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I have tasted many bathrooms
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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