i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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