I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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