its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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