The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....