Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
