I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
