I faked an abortion last night.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
