I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
