We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
