I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
