when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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