I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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