Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
