If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
