apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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