Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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