i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She bit a glass in half.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Can you bring me the toilet please
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
