i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
