Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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