Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
