Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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