Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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