Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
