finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
