Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
