I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Sext me about skeletons
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
