Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
