Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
