my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
