my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
