is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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