i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
