so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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