You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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