Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
