Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
