the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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