And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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