I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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