Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero