I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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