his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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