I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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