Got a toothbrush?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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