How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
