It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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