So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
